One Year

Sometime this summer I rescued an old photo album from a box getting wet in our basement. As I looked through it I decided I want to digitize most of those photos. That will be a very slow process, but here is my beginning...

Today (17th) marks one year since my dad's suicide. Many of you reading this knew he had passed but did not know any details. I am able to talk about it. It's actually a lengthy story, so if you know someone who has depression or are worried about someone wanting to harm themselves, I am ready to discuss this topic for as long as you want. While I am no expert, and no two people are exactly alike, I can tell you what I have learned from my dad.

Fall of 2001 my dad asked me if he could take me on a trip for my Christmas present, anywhere I wanted to go. I chose New York City. A mere 3 months after 9/11 we headed to NYC. Getting as close as we could, I can still remember how Ground Zero looked then and how it still smelled like a fire burning. These pictures are from our second trip in December 2002, two taken in Central Park and the last one at my favorite NY place...

South Street Seaport. It's much quieter there. We're standing on the outside patio of a small mall. I bought that scarf there. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the Brooklyn Bridge is behind us.

I've heard tales of tragedy in others' lives and wondered how their faith could stand it. I can tell you confidently that God prepared my faith for my own tragedy. When we got back to our Louisville church after Dad's death our pastor preached something to the effect of, "Good theology is what carries us through life's difficulties." When I have been tempted to shake my fist at God and say, "How could You let this happen?!?" my soul is quickly quieted by realizing Jesus Christ was the only One who could have rescued my dad from whatever he thought or actually did plague him. I believe my dad was enough in his right mind to know what he was doing when he pulled the trigger, and in that moment he turned away from Jesus. He did not believe God was mighty enough to handle his problems. He shook his own fist at God and decided he knew better than God when his life should end.

How I hope he cried out to Jesus in repentance after he shot that gun.

Beloved, if you feel like you are drowning in terrible circumstances but the Lord, the Author of life, lets you live on, then those circumstances should be used to turn you to Him, to sanctify you if you are already a believer. My dad didn't wait around to find out what could have been.

I started hearing a beautiful song on the radio during this last year. Indulge me by reading the lyrics. Better yet, listen to it HERE.

Tenth Avenue North - Worn

I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though, I’m worn
Yeah, I’m worn

There are many more details I could share about my dad. To say everything would be such a long post that no one would read it. I'll close with one of my favorite Bible verses:

 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,

the oil of joy instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

 a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:3